Thursday, March 22, 2012

Bachelor Don'ts for Online Dating

I am posting these while laughing as it humors me that SO many guys do the below yet most girls I talk to wouldn't speak to a guy who committed many of these.  Okay, well I haven't spoken to Snooki yet but.... However, I am still single so maybe I should re-evaluate what and who I judge! :)  I post these all in jest as I'm sure us ladies make some pretty hot messes of our profiles as well!

Okay, online dating blows.  Online dating in LA blows really hard.  All the guys have some professional shot of them leaning against a door jam or in black and white staring off into dreamland, maybe that is the land where they are actually famous?  The other guys think lifting up their shirt in the bathroom mirror and taking a picture is hot.  Really guys?  Here is my list of DO NOT's for your online dating profile.

List of things that are NOT hot (to me):
  • Posting pictures of:
    • You with hot women who are most likely "cocktail waitresses" at a bar in Vegas.
    • You, taking your own picture, in the bathroom mirror, with your shirt off.
      • What is this?  You live in LA and can't find one shot of you in board shorts? Take it down, now. 
      • The glare usually covers your face so how do we even know this is you? ;)
      • I have actually seen shots where it looks like the guy is in a public restroom.  Really?
    • Professional head shots
      • I don't care if you are a wannabe actor or a realtor, candid photos are so much better.  I could look like a supermodel with a little (or a lot)  Photoshop too.  This is not an ultimate deal breaker but make sure you have lots of candid shots too please.
    • Scenery
      • I know what the Eiffel Tower looks like.  I don't need to pay for a dating website to see sunsets, landmarks, etc.  If you are not in the the photo, I don't care.
    • Your friends
      • Okay, I like to see that you have friends and your iPhone with reverse cam isn't the only recent shots you have. 
      • Please do not post every single picture with you and a group of people.  How am I supposed to know which one is you?  We go along thinking you are the tall Ryan Gosling lookalike and really that is your gay cousin and you are the one on the right who looks more like... We just want to know who we are winking at.
    • Pets
      • Okay, knowing that you have a dog is very cool..  If you are in the picture with your dog, even better.  But, I don't need to see 6 pictures of your dog without you.  I think they have a website called Dogster is you are looking for a bitch for your dog.
      • Oh, I love cats and birds.  But, for some reason a man and his cat posing isn't sexy so leave that particular photo on your dresser and not in your profile.
    • Cars
      • Personally, I'd take a dude with a nice Audi over a guy with a Corvette any day.  Either way, I don't care that you own a car, good for you.  If you really think a picture of your car is going to add to your attractiveness... 
    • Style
      •  Anything Ed Hardy or with a big Affliction logo across your chest is an immediate no.  I know it was cool years ago but that is the keyword there is "years."
      •  Don't even get me started if the butt of your jeans has some huge embroidered pattern on them.
    •  You, 10 years ago
      • At some point, we are going to see you live and this is just going to give me a bad first impression,  Even if you are hotter or fatter now, I want to know that upfront.
  • Telling me how rich you are
    • I don't give a shit.  I mean, it's good to know you have a full-time job and are making a living but if I see one more salary posted of the highest choice, it just shows me you are slightly insecure or are okay attracting gold diggers.  Next profile please. (Note: some women I talked to like knowing salary upfront, I simply think it makes you judge prematurely.)
    • If your profession is a doctor or a teacher or a student, I get the general idea anyhow. 
Additional Notes:
    • Everyone seems to love to travel, is funny, is sick of the bar scene, is toned and athletic, has hair (or baseball hats in every picture), can dress up or watch a move on the couch, is laid back, blah, blah, blah.  Bullshit.  If we were all so compatible, would we really need to be on a dating site? 
    •  To the guys who are 6's or 7's but act like they are 10's.  Dude, you aren't a 10.  Be honest with yourself.  How many guys that are 5's with girls that are a 10 and vice versa? It sounds harsh but it's true. I definitely know when I wink at a guy a little out of my league.
      • However, we are in LA and I am gathering it really is true about the power of money.
    • The plan is to ultimately meet you in person so if you are bald, own it.  If you are scared of planes and only eat at McDonald's when you travel, because you hate to travel, own it. 
    • We are going to find out and would you rather us walk in and sit down knowing you are what you said you were or having our friend call with an emergency and taking off because you fudged it a bit, or a lot?  
Come on men, what are some of the ones we ladies are guilty of??  Ladies, which ones did I miss?

These are only my opinions and some opinions of other women I have talked to.  I obviously am attracted to one thing while other girls can be attracted to something else.  I would say the most important annoyance above is lying.  Say who you REALLY are and what you REALLY look like and what you are REALLY looking for.  

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